10 Questions You’ve Always Wanted to Ask Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Have you ever heard of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)?

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is defined by the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Health) as a personality disorder that impacts a person’s ability to regulate emotions. This inability to regulate ones’s emotions can cause many symptoms including: unstable moods, intense emotions, distorted self-imagine, risky behaviors and emotional distress. 

What do you picture when you think of someone with BPD?

Though BPD is the “most commonly diagnosed personality disorder,” a lot of people know little about it. With that being said, there is a large stigma placed around this disorder due to the lack of understanding and knowledge on the subject. People misconceive that people with BPD are “dangerous” and the symptoms are one size fits all, but that is not the case.

Due to these misconceptions of the disorder, people tend to have a very negative perception of you when you say, “I have borderline personality disorder”. Sadly, this misconception doesn’t just happen in society; it is also a major issue in the medical field. I have even had certain therapists/medical professionals be reluctant to see or treat me when I mention having BPD. 

I did some research on how people would describe someone with BPD. The most used phrases were:

• “Impulsive”
• “Intense”
• “Moody”
• “Unstable”
• “Dangerous”
• “Difficulty with relationships”
• “Angry”
• “Manipulative”

Although some of these are the most common symptoms of BPD, they do not describe everyone suffering from the disorder. Due to the lack of knowledge, a lot of people misconceive people with BPD as “dangerous”, “manipulative”, and “unpredictable”.  

“I don’t know what it is like to not have deep emotions. Even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely.”

healthyplace.com

In all honesty, I believe people with BPD are way more self-destructive than “dangerous”. Always seeking approval, worrying yourself to death about how someone took something you said almost a week ago, struggling with major self-image and self-worth issues, suicidal tendencies, impulsive behaviors, FEELING EVERYTHING SO INTENSELY. It makes everyday a battlefield. 

Now that you have a little background on what BPD is, it’s time for the personal questions you’ve always wanted to ask someone with BPD – answered by someone with BPD!

10 Questions You’ve Always Wanted to Ask Someone With BPD

1) What is the main misconception people have about BPD?

In my experience, people think we are harmful people that are impossible to have a relationship with. That we are manipulative and hurt others without thinking. The truth is, if we hurt you, we know it and believe me, I personally obsess over it and feel the most extreme guilt possible. Having BPD is sometimes like being a passenger in your own brain with someone else calling all the shots.  

2) What symptoms do you experience?

I personally struggle the most with emotional regulation, distorted self-image, and the fear of upsetting someone or being abandoned. Emotions so intense that becoming the littlest bit upset or overwhelmed means the flood gate of tears bursts at the seam — no matter where I am. Panic attacks so intense I feel like there is not enough air in the world to breathe and I’m just frozen — unable to move. Then, 30 minutes later, I could be the bubbliest, happiest person in the room. The “switch” that gets flipped inside me is so hard to explain.

3) How is it treated?

Best practice shows that DBT (dialectical behaviors therapy) is one of the main treatments. Unlike in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) where you learn “why you behave the way you do”, DBT is more about “ways to self-soothe”. Typically, it is a group therapy – which I have found to be so great! I highly recommend group therapy to ANYONE with mental health issues. Though group therapy is not for everyone, I found I learned SO much by listening to and talking with others that understand what I’m feeling or going through on a soul level. 

4) What is the best support I can provide someone with BPD?

Be patient and supportive. My fiancé is very supportive — she listens and gives me constant validation. She has done so much research to try and understand the way I think more and it has improved our communication and relationship so much. Instead of saying the typical things people do like “why are you acting this way? Life is fine” it’s better to give reassurance like “it is OK to feel the way you feel right now”. The safe word we came up with to use when I am in emotional distress is that I’m “feeling big”. The phrase doesn’t make me feel crazy, it reminds me I just have big emotions. That I am feeling very intensely in that moment. I’m so grateful to have a partner that wants to understand and has worked to learn how to better communicate with me.  

5) How does BPD affect your daily life?

It. Is. Mentally. Exhausting. I literally spend over half my day worrying about how someone may have taken what I said the wrong way and how they feel about me. If I walk up to a group of people and they stop talking or walk by and they start laughing — I immediately jump to “that’s about me”. In reality, it almost never is. The intense emotional roller coaster ride I take all day is so draining, it is like my brain runs a marathon on the reg. The emotions feel like a light switch that someone else is flickering on and off. My inner dialog spends most of it’s time telling me I’m not “good enough”, “pretty enough”, “smart enough”, etc. Constantly worrying that my fiancé is going to leave me over the silliest things — I think I ask her once a day if she still loves me. However, through therapy I am finally learning to just ride the waves of emotions as they come. 

6) What is your #1 struggle with BPD?

I struggle the most with my self-imagine, self-worth, and fear of abandonment. Terrified someone is going to leave or end a friendship/relationship because I’m “too much”. I don’t see myself the way others do, and my inner dialog is very rarely nice to me about myself. The emotional roller coaster, I can handle behaviorally but the emotional distress over the smallest things that occur is a real struggle. I’m forever prepared for the worst outcome of any situation possible — ready to run or fawn.  

7) How do you feel about the way BPD is portrayed in pop culture?

There is a lot of negative stigmas around BPD, but I feel that is due to lack of knowledge or education. I will say it is hurtful to hear it described by people with the words in the list above. The disease is so different for everyone, there is no one size fits all category of symptoms. Have you ever seen My Crazy Ex-girlfriend? This movie gives a beautiful portrayal of the manic highs and deep low episodes I personally experience. We’re not all psycho stalkers like in Fatal Attraction — which was also a popular search result to describe BPD. 

8) How do people react when you tell them you have BPD?

The reaction I get when I tell someone I have BPD varies. The typical response I get is instant judgement and people assume you “don’t know who you are”. People tend to think that you are manipulative or even dangerous due to “being unpredictable and unstable”. Believe it or not, I have had therapists and medical professionals reluctant to treat me due to having this disorder. Yes, it is very complicated, hard to treat, and hard to understand but is that really grounds to judge someone?

9) What is the #1 thing about BPD you think everyone should know?

We are not all mentally unstable, obsessive, and manipulative like everyone on Reddit appears to think. Although our brains do function differently and we may feel our emotions more intensely, it doesn’t mean we should be avoided whenever possible or given such an intense label. Don’t get me wrong, we can be a little intense at times but that doesn’t mean we’re going to randomly just cuss you out or punch you in the face — with learned interventions we can self-restrain. 

10) Are people with BPD dangerous or violent?

A lot of people believe this misconception and associate BPD with violence and rage. I can honestly say the only person I pose a threat or danger to is MYSELF. People tend to assume everyone with BPD is the same. Not the case. There are 256 different combinations of 9 main symptoms; everyone has a totally different set of symptoms and experiences. 

I hope this helps shed some light on what BPD is and how it affects someone’s daily life! If someone you know or love is struggling with BPD, be patient with them. Reassure them you love them no matter what — feeling loved and heard makes a world of difference. 

Please use the comment section below to ask questions, share your story, or give some feedback! 🙂

Be sure to show yourself a little extra love this week!

With Love,

-cg <3

“She didn’t need to be saved. She needed to be found and appreciated for exactly who she was.”

J. Iron Word